Insecurity

Hardly no one has no insecurity issues. One form or another, we often feel insecure when dealing with relationships, surrounding environment, or even just daily life. All the psychology books will tell you these insecurity issues mostly came from the distant past and majority from childhood. Basically, nothing you can do to change the history but we need to learn to accept, reframe or cope with them.

In my case, insecurity of receiving love.

It’s quite common, in fact, for people to react negatively to being loved. Why? The simple answer is they don’t know how to react otherwise. I spent about one whole year to read through many psychology books to find the “cure” but in vein. What I learnt is to do my best to bring my mind to be at peace. Not to react maybe is the best when I don’t know how. Just ignore or show appreciation then quickly move away.

I also feel obligated to give back something in return when receiving love. With give-and-take, at least I can find that peace of mind. I wish for unconditional love but I find it is so difficult to accept after all. Not sure it’s trust issues or simply too scare to accept it.

When I find myself having nothing to offer in return for the love I receive, I would choose to run away by myself or to hurt the people in order to push them away. I can turn into a sensitive hedgehog when being too close by the people who love me.

I disregarded people’s feelings toward me if I have nothing in return. I used harsh words to reject them and to hurt them. So I can continue to have my peace of mind. In other relationships, the same rules apply. I try very hard to maintain a balanced state of any relationships. When I have nothing or not-leveled feelings to offer, I would close the door and walk away. In my life, I often purged relationships like a cold-hearted person but I do have the best intention to wish all the best for the people around me or for the people I moved away from.

Keeping distance is always the best approach. Keeping myself from being hurt and keeping myself from hurting other.

Okay.

I decided to let go of the feelings. Not pour my pain upon him and not pour my love upon him, either. Just set this person free.

I long to tell you the truest words I have to say to you; but I dare not, being afraid that you would not believe them.

That is why I disguise them in untruth, saying the contrary of what I mean.

I make my pain appear absurd, afraid that you should do so.

Rabindranath Tagore